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Lonely, party of one

I’m lonely. Really, really lonely. It’s a simple thing, without a simple answer.

I’ve always had a hard time connecting with people. Loner is a term that comes to mind. Thing is I’ve never wanted to be a loner. I just seem to lack the social intelligence to make the kind of connections I so desperately want. When I was a teen my drunk uncle would slur out that I was a hermit. I’ve never had many friends (if any), and have frequently been the outsider. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve suffered throughout life because of deficient community connections.

I’ve mostly gotten through it by “sucking it up,” telling myself that this is just my lot in life and I just need to deal. I mean people have far worse things to deal with in life. Thing is, it’s like a festering boil–at some point it bursts, and the infection pours out. I certainly have a sore spot. Sometimes it just hits me out of no where, and my mood crashes. Routine things, like seeing a couple at the bookstore or a family food shopping, really get to me. At first I smile, thinking they are so lucky to have that life. Then I tear up at the thought of being alone, forever–of never having any kind of personal fulfillment.

It’s hard being alone. Having to always do every thing myself, never having anyone to depend on wears a girl thin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not someone who needs some body to take care of me (not that i do such a great job but i get by) but it sure would be nice to have some one to lean on now and again. For god’s sake, I don’t even have an emergency contact or beneficiaries. How pathetic is that? And no body ever touches me. What i wouldn’t give for just a hug. Most of the time I get by, not consciously thinking about it. Tonight isn’t one of those good days.

I just don’t want to be the only one on my team. I used to hold out hope that I could carve out a different life, a better existence. These days, it just seems foolish to hope. Still, I do.

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Posted by on 2011/07/10 in Uncategorized

 

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Going green

I discovered green smoothies a couple of weeks ago. I’d done smoothies before but never considered adding veggies. God knows my diet needs radical improvements, and I thought green smoothies would be a good way to add nutrients to my diet. I’ve had one for breakfast almost every day of the last two weeks. There have been some hits, and some misses (mainly involving Swiss chard and kale). Tonight I decided to have a smoothie for dinner (well, that and the left over half turkey burger from lunch). I think I just blended up my yummiest concoction yet:

Two handfuls of spinach
1/4 pear (just didn’t want it to go bad)
1/2 apple
1/2 banana
cottage cheese
wheatgerm
ginger
almond milk
ice

 
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Posted by on 2011/07/07 in Uncategorized

 

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Daddy dearest

God Bless Australia. This morning while on a super quick Target run, a little kid Tried to take me out with a big pink bouncy ball (good throw too, especially from a shopping cart). Her ridiculously hot dad apologized as I handed the ball back to him, saying this was her latest thing. I said no problem but thought to myself, “you could be my latest thing.” Jesus Christ, seriously? Why must you tease me like that–hot, Australian accent, and a caring dad, and totally unavailable to me. I have a hardcore thing for dads.

Let me explain. I’m famously a girl with daddy issues. My own father abandoned me. For most of my childhood we lived in the same town and he had nothing to do with me, emotionally or financially. Nothing. And he never has, ever. Nor has he ever expressed a single ounce of remorse. Growing up in a small town with a single Mom was no picnic. Kids are not immune to whispers and stares from adults. All my memories of my father involve rejection or some other form of pain. My most prolific memory is of making up a lie about him during a 5th grade lunch. Kids at my table were talking about what their parents do. When focus turned to me, I offered up that my Mom was a clerk at city hall, and stopped. When a kid asked about my dad, I said he was a construction worker. No doubt I’d seen it on some tv show.

So my entire life, I’ve been plagued by issues of abandonment. So when i see a guy who loves and dotes on his kid/s, and is a responsible, caring parent, it tugs on my heart strings. Automatically, that guy is a step above the rest because he is, in many ways, the thing that has eluded me my entire life. Yes, it indeed sucks to be such a cliché. C’est la vie.

But in the meantime, here’s to the hot dads.

 
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Posted by on 2011/07/03 in Uncategorized

 

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Grey, and I don’t mean goose

I just found a single grey hair growing between my boobs. This aging shit is so not cool.

 
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Posted by on 2011/07/02 in Uncategorized

 

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Fat girl down!

I can’t stop eating, and it’s killing me. Literally.

I’ve never not been fat. Never. I was a fat baby, a fat kid, a fat teen, and now a fat adult. And just to clarify, I mean morbidly obese. When I was a kid, I remember my Mom asking my doctor about my weight. He was an old country doctor that told her something like, “She’ll grow out of it.” Nonsense. I wish somebody had been able to help me back then, a lifetime ago. But you know what they say about wishes…

Now, I’m almost 40, weight over 300lbs, and have diabetes. A complete death sentence, likely via metabolic syndrome (which means it could be slow, painful and humiliating process). I actually have nightmares about going blind, or otherwise being disabled and unable to care for myself. What’s so entirely fucked up about this whole thing is I know what’s in store, but still haven’t been able to rewire my brain and stick to a lifestyle modification.

You know the rat in the experiment that eats itself to death? That’s me. Any sign of stress or sadness, or anything really, I’m shoveling food into my mouth. I only recently came to realize it’s turned into a source of comfort. And even though it’s false comfort, it’s the only kind I have so it’s that much harder to let it go, and has resulted in failure after failure. How’s that for masochistic?

From a more vain side, it’s never any fun being the fattest girl in the room, or on the plane, or, well anywhere. I’ve become so used to people treating me poorly that I just expect it now, and I’m always shocked when people are kind and courteous. I seriously cannot remember the last time a guy was interested in me. So on top of being massive, I’m lonely and depressed. Poor social skills, and nonexistent self esteem make it hard to make friends. So I’m totally alone, which makes me more depressed and more likely to eat.

So here I sit, defeated before I even start. Still, I’m embarking on try number 100,000,001, hoping and praying with all my heart that this time will be the one time I don’t fail.

 
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Posted by on 2011/06/26 in Uncategorized

 

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