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Monthly Archives: July 2011

Lonely, party of one

I’m lonely. Really, really lonely. It’s a simple thing, without a simple answer.

I’ve always had a hard time connecting with people. Loner is a term that comes to mind. Thing is I’ve never wanted to be a loner. I just seem to lack the social intelligence to make the kind of connections I so desperately want. When I was a teen my drunk uncle would slur out that I was a hermit. I’ve never had many friends (if any), and have frequently been the outsider. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve suffered throughout life because of deficient community connections.

I’ve mostly gotten through it by “sucking it up,” telling myself that this is just my lot in life and I just need to deal. I mean people have far worse things to deal with in life. Thing is, it’s like a festering boil–at some point it bursts, and the infection pours out. I certainly have a sore spot. Sometimes it just hits me out of no where, and my mood crashes. Routine things, like seeing a couple at the bookstore or a family food shopping, really get to me. At first I smile, thinking they are so lucky to have that life. Then I tear up at the thought of being alone, forever–of never having any kind of personal fulfillment.

It’s hard being alone. Having to always do every thing myself, never having anyone to depend on wears a girl thin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not someone who needs some body to take care of me (not that i do such a great job but i get by) but it sure would be nice to have some one to lean on now and again. For god’s sake, I don’t even have an emergency contact or beneficiaries. How pathetic is that? And no body ever touches me. What i wouldn’t give for just a hug. Most of the time I get by, not consciously thinking about it. Tonight isn’t one of those good days.

I just don’t want to be the only one on my team. I used to hold out hope that I could carve out a different life, a better existence. These days, it just seems foolish to hope. Still, I do.

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Posted by on 2011/07/10 in Uncategorized

 

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Going green

I discovered green smoothies a couple of weeks ago. I’d done smoothies before but never considered adding veggies. God knows my diet needs radical improvements, and I thought green smoothies would be a good way to add nutrients to my diet. I’ve had one for breakfast almost every day of the last two weeks. There have been some hits, and some misses (mainly involving Swiss chard and kale). Tonight I decided to have a smoothie for dinner (well, that and the left over half turkey burger from lunch). I think I just blended up my yummiest concoction yet:

Two handfuls of spinach
1/4 pear (just didn’t want it to go bad)
1/2 apple
1/2 banana
cottage cheese
wheatgerm
ginger
almond milk
ice

 
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Posted by on 2011/07/07 in Uncategorized

 

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Daddy dearest

God Bless Australia. This morning while on a super quick Target run, a little kid Tried to take me out with a big pink bouncy ball (good throw too, especially from a shopping cart). Her ridiculously hot dad apologized as I handed the ball back to him, saying this was her latest thing. I said no problem but thought to myself, “you could be my latest thing.” Jesus Christ, seriously? Why must you tease me like that–hot, Australian accent, and a caring dad, and totally unavailable to me. I have a hardcore thing for dads.

Let me explain. I’m famously a girl with daddy issues. My own father abandoned me. For most of my childhood we lived in the same town and he had nothing to do with me, emotionally or financially. Nothing. And he never has, ever. Nor has he ever expressed a single ounce of remorse. Growing up in a small town with a single Mom was no picnic. Kids are not immune to whispers and stares from adults. All my memories of my father involve rejection or some other form of pain. My most prolific memory is of making up a lie about him during a 5th grade lunch. Kids at my table were talking about what their parents do. When focus turned to me, I offered up that my Mom was a clerk at city hall, and stopped. When a kid asked about my dad, I said he was a construction worker. No doubt I’d seen it on some tv show.

So my entire life, I’ve been plagued by issues of abandonment. So when i see a guy who loves and dotes on his kid/s, and is a responsible, caring parent, it tugs on my heart strings. Automatically, that guy is a step above the rest because he is, in many ways, the thing that has eluded me my entire life. Yes, it indeed sucks to be such a cliché. C’est la vie.

But in the meantime, here’s to the hot dads.

 
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Posted by on 2011/07/03 in Uncategorized

 

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Grey, and I don’t mean goose

I just found a single grey hair growing between my boobs. This aging shit is so not cool.

 
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Posted by on 2011/07/02 in Uncategorized

 

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