I’m lonely. Really, really lonely. It’s a simple thing, without a simple answer.
I’ve always had a hard time connecting with people. Loner is a term that comes to mind. Thing is I’ve never wanted to be a loner. I just seem to lack the social intelligence to make the kind of connections I so desperately want. When I was a teen my drunk uncle would slur out that I was a hermit. I’ve never had many friends (if any), and have frequently been the outsider. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’ve suffered throughout life because of deficient community connections.
I’ve mostly gotten through it by “sucking it up,” telling myself that this is just my lot in life and I just need to deal. I mean people have far worse things to deal with in life. Thing is, it’s like a festering boil–at some point it bursts, and the infection pours out. I certainly have a sore spot. Sometimes it just hits me out of no where, and my mood crashes. Routine things, like seeing a couple at the bookstore or a family food shopping, really get to me. At first I smile, thinking they are so lucky to have that life. Then I tear up at the thought of being alone, forever–of never having any kind of personal fulfillment.
It’s hard being alone. Having to always do every thing myself, never having anyone to depend on wears a girl thin. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not someone who needs some body to take care of me (not that i do such a great job but i get by) but it sure would be nice to have some one to lean on now and again. For god’s sake, I don’t even have an emergency contact or beneficiaries. How pathetic is that? And no body ever touches me. What i wouldn’t give for just a hug. Most of the time I get by, not consciously thinking about it. Tonight isn’t one of those good days.
I just don’t want to be the only one on my team. I used to hold out hope that I could carve out a different life, a better existence. These days, it just seems foolish to hope. Still, I do.